As any cancer patient knows, routine tests are all but routine. Even one who doesn’t worry about something until given something to worry about, can find herself riddled with anxiety regarding the “what-ifs.”
That was precisely what last Thursday was like for me, as my mom went in to have routine CAT scans done having been successfully fighting kidney and bladder cancer for over two years. Except the results weren’t what we’d hoped for.
Her cancer had metasticized into both lungs. Surgery wasn’t an option this time.
It took awhile for it to sink in. The first night I emailed a couple of friends but otherwise kept it to myself. I stayed strong that night. Then Friday I found myself crying off and on all day, sometimes out of nowhere.
It didn’t really come as a surprise to my mom or me. She successfully won her battle with breast cancer 17 years ago, kidney cancer 2 years ago (both through surgery), and was currently fighting bladder cancer through a non-chemotherapy treatment. Since her mom passed away from cancer before I was born, I think I always felt like it was just a matter of time before she would be in a full-blown battle.
Still, it’s my mom, and no matter how much of a shock that it wasn’t in my head, my feelings were completely new to me.
Within seconds I could mentally list others who had traveled the same road with their moms or dads. Yet no matter how many had walked the road I found myself on, I felt completely alone with my feelings.
I felt like I was on this highway that many others had traveled before me, yet not in the same car. I’m in my car, all alone, having no idea where this road is going to lead.
My thoughts ran the gamut. Everything from questioning to gratefulness. Questioning why now. But grateful that my mom has had 17 healthy years since her breast cancer diagnosis. Questioning why now that my children are so young, but thankful that my children have a close relationship with my mom, something I didn’t get with her parents because they passed away before I was born. Quesitoning why God let this happen, but knowing that he’s good even when I don’t understand.
In just one day – today – I’ve gone from being completely at peace, knowing that my hope is in my loving Lord and he is in complete control. And a few hours later I start crying at the drop of a hat.
Yesterday I found myself praying clearly one moment and a few hours later having no words. I think I’m going to find on this journey the power of others’ prayers. I know there will be times I won’t be able to find words to pray, but I know others will step in where I can’t find the strength and their prayers will be my strength.
If you know me, you know that writing is my outlet. So I may be turning to this blog more and more to share my thoughts and feelings along this road. I also want to share prayer requests so you can be praying for our family during this time.
Prayer requests: Pray for my mom to have a peace that passes understanding. She is absolutely the strongest person I know with a faith that doesn’t falter. Yet she has a huge heart and feels deeply. Pray for my dad. They’ve been married 46 years and she is everything to him. Pray for Matt and his family. The loss of Matt’s dad 3 years ago this month is way too fresh, too raw. Our families are close and this is hitting them hard as well. Pray for us as we meet with the oncologist on Tuesday.
Jill, We have been praying ever since you told me. Your mom and your family have been on Josh and my minds constantly. You know what an impression your mom made on Josh when he was young and your family has been such a blessing to us. We will continue to pray often and have asked our church and many family member to be praying as well. Thanks for letting us know when the next appointment is. I know this was probably hard to write, but i’m glad you are able/willing to share.
Jill, We have been praying ever since you told me. Your mom and your family have been on Josh and my minds constantly. You know what an impression your mom made on Josh when he was young and your family has been such a blessing to us. We will continue to pray often and have asked our church and many family member to be praying as well. Thanks for letting us know when the next appointment is. I know this was probably hard to write, but i’m glad you are able/willing to share.
Jill, I am already praying for you, Judy, your dad and your family. Jusy is a wonderful person and she has an amazing daughter. Be strong when she is weak and most of all just be there for her. Love you, Betty
Jill, I am already praying for you, Judy, your dad and your family. Jusy is a wonderful person and she has an amazing daughter. Be strong when she is weak and most of all just be there for her. Love you, Betty
This breaks my heart. I am amazed at the strength it must have taken to write this post, Jill. Praying for you and your whole family.
This breaks my heart. I am amazed at the strength it must have taken to write this post, Jill. Praying for you and your whole family.
Thank you Jill for sharing your heart with us and I am here in what ever way I can walk through this with you and right now I know it is prayer. Praying earnestly. Love you, Jennifer
Thank you Jill for sharing your heart with us and I am here in what ever way I can walk through this with you and right now I know it is prayer. Praying earnestly. Love you, Jennifer
Jill,
I’ve restarted this reply multiple times now, but I don’t have any better idea now of what to say than I did the first time I started writing. Romans 8:26-27 from The Message tells us, “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.” Know that we are praying for all of you, but more importantly remember that the Holy Spirit is finding the words of your prayers in your sighs and groans (and tears). Love you.
Jill,
I’ve restarted this reply multiple times now, but I don’t have any better idea now of what to say than I did the first time I started writing. Romans 8:26-27 from The Message tells us, “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.” Know that we are praying for all of you, but more importantly remember that the Holy Spirit is finding the words of your prayers in your sighs and groans (and tears). Love you.
Jill, your mom is such a dear friend and this breaks my heart. I love her so much. I know this is a terrible road for you and your family to go down. We are praying for your mom and dad and I know that your mom’s strengh in the Lord is what will see her through this and your family as well. I know other’s who were given the same report and they are still fighting it and winning small battles one at a time. I pray there will be many times that God will comfort you all and give you the peace of mind and heart’s that are settled and at peace! We love you, (all of you), and if we can help in any way will you please let us know.
Jill, your mom is such a dear friend and this breaks my heart. I love her so much. I know this is a terrible road for you and your family to go down. We are praying for your mom and dad and I know that your mom’s strengh in the Lord is what will see her through this and your family as well. I know other’s who were given the same report and they are still fighting it and winning small battles one at a time. I pray there will be many times that God will comfort you all and give you the peace of mind and heart’s that are settled and at peace! We love you, (all of you), and if we can help in any way will you please let us know.